Fucking Retards!

Oh I wish I had a ninja. Hell right now Id even settle for a pirate. But its gotta be a cool pirate tho. No lame ass, Yo ho ho, watered down, sober pirate that fucktarded suburban housewives hire for their whine-ass ingrate of a kid. I want the pillage you village, Launch a cannonball at your ass kind. Blow these  motherfuckers up.

GRRROAR!!! Fuck, I mean how stupid do you have to be think,"Hey I'm bored lets microwave a fucking gerbil." Thanks to the fucking morons I call friends, I now know what gerbil looks like when extreme radiation is applied. It reminded me of a zombie. So, of course, I had to resist the urge to grab the closet,sharpest object I could find and pierce its skull. 

It has just occurred to me that I may have some violence issues. I personally don't think it's a problem, as long as the homos around stay in line and don't piss me off. I don't think that's too much to ask. If you wanna be around me, don't act an ass. I will knock ya down. It would just be so much easier if all the stupid people would just jump off a cliff. Hell they prolly would if told there was a donut at the bottom.

Ok. Maybe, just maybe, that was a little wrong. I don't really much care. If you were offended by it, you're prolly one those aforementioned stupid people. They seem to be everywhere. It's an epidemic. They're just running rampant!! Will no one stop them before someone gets hurt?!?! What's it going take? For fuck sake, I mean they're already running 3/4 of the government. I mean come on, I understand that its important for a city to fucking looking pretty and have a drag strip. Well atleast its important here. Maybe it'll help cut down on the idiots dragging, going the wrong way on  the darkside of 475. (I have to admit, Ive been one of those idiots more than once. ) But theres better place to put that funding. Like ummm... I dont know, Cops to stop us idiots from doing it the first place.

Ok that little rant is why I shouldn't blog while watching the news but some of this shit really bugs me. Its just so dumb. Even I could come up with a better way to spend the "stimulus" money.  And I know virtually nothing about politics. But I know a bad idea when I hear one. I have a little something called common sense. Mind you I dont always use it, but I have it. Just another reason I've lost all faith in humanity. 

*Blinks* Thinking really is the lesser used of all the art forms. Fucking retards...

" Right now. I really dont care.

If Im alone or If Ive got you standing there.

Oh look I've gone and done it again.

I really should think before I say anything."

------"I feel fine"- The Riddlin' Kids

It's all in your hands...

I was so happy yesterday.  I really was, but today, I can't seem to quit crying. It's funny what thoughts cross your mind when youre alone, in a hospital bed, poison dripping into your veins. It makes you realize just how very alone you are.  

I dont think I can do this anymore. I dont think I carry on like this. The one person I need more than anything Im lucky if I get to talk to for more than an hour day. And thats somehow my fault. Everything is somehow my fault. 

I know Im bouncing around alot. I can't think straight. My thoughts are jumbled, but I suppose vodka and vallium will do that to a person. I dont have the strength to carry on like this anymore. I can't do it alone. And as much as he tries to tell me Im not alone. To talk to him. I can't hes not there to talk too, but I guess he can't really be either.

Ive been brought to my knees. Im begging for death. I don't like Ive become. I hate it. I hate that Im so weak. I hate that I can't handle this myself. Im done. I feel like Im dying. I might as well help it along.

"I move too slove and I think too fast.

The first rainbow I see will be my last"

-- I cant remember the song title-- Say Anything

Blahh....

Blah. Just Fucking blah. Im cranky, cold and tired so this should be rather interesting. Or completely and totally random. Could go either way at this point.

So I feel kinda awkward today. Somethings really off. I dont know what it is but its not right. I hate feeling like this. And Its been lingering since last night. Even killing zombies didnt help. And that almost always makes me feel better.

It's not helping matters any that Ive got people in my ear telling me, "Oh, he's prolly cheating on you anyway." Im for the most part sure that he's not, but there's still that what if. And it's kinda stuck in my head. Ive never been in a relationship where Ive mattered enough for someone to be faithful. Why should now be any different?

Now like I said I'm for the most part sure that he's not cheating on me. I'm just awkward and insecure.The insecure part takes over more than I like to admit, but after some of the shit I've been through I guess that insecurity is going to be there.

Im not nearly as strong as I pretend to be. I try to do everything on my own. Handle everything on my own. I just can't do that anymore. I can't keep up this "tough girl" facade, I just want to have one day where Im not feeling like I have to fight. One day where I can sit back and have someone else deal with the fucktards, jackasses, and homofaces. That's asking too much apparently. 

I guess it all boils down to Im scared, confused and just wore out. I dont have the strength to fight anymore. So you know, whatever happens... happens. Fuck it.

"How you hurt me, Oh how you cause me pain.

Well, a hurt like mine You can never understand."

----"Hurt like Mine" -The Black Keys

Coming Undone

Very few things are amusing me today. I'm so very irritated. My families a bunch nosey motherfuckers. I swear to God I wanna start slapping people. I'm tired of having all these doubts put in my head when all I wanna do is be happy. Am I asking too much?  

I very well could be. Maybe happiness isn't meant for me. Maybe I'm supposed to live out this inane exisistance on my own. Going by all the shit Ive been through, it's a very good possibility. Ive survived so much, found the guy that I literally feel like I'm supposed to be with and I just can't seem to get it right. 

I'm really good at fucking things up. I am the perpetual fuck up.  And I know one of these days, my neurotic tendencies are going to get the better of me and I'm going to do something I'm going to regret for the rest of my life. Somethings going to set me totally off and I'm going to disappear again.Running's what I do best. 

I feel like I'm in an emotional landslide. Being buried by doubts that arent necessarily mine. And I know he's getting it on his end too. And thats taking a toll on me too. I know hes got people in his ear basically telling him Im prolly fucking with him. And thats not the case. I truly do love him. My lifes just horrendously complicated. Always has been, prolly always will be. 

I start another radiation cycle on Wednesday. I fucking hate radiation. Im so weak and tired afterward. And the pain is like nothing Ive ever felt before. It feels like there something tearing me apart for me the inside. Ripping at my seams. I hide it the best I can, hoping no one notices when I wince or groan. I have to be strong. I have to hold myself together.  If I dont, no one will.

'Face down in the dirt she said "This doesn't hurt."She said "I've finally had enough."'

 --"Face Down"- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Epic Fail

Hey! Look! An  undead monkey! Well now that Ive got your attention. I don't know what to do with it. Do I make you read my senseless ramblings? Do I go on a rant about my life? Who the fuck knows? I may just write and see where it goes.

The last few weeks have sucked so hard. I'm dealing with so much and I'm totally alone. Well not totally, Ive got family and a few close friends that have stuck by me. But the one person that Ive come to depend on heavily, just seems to be drifting away. We seem to be growing further and further apart. I don't know how to fix it. I love him more than anything, but I think we're coming to an end. And that saddens me.

I'm honestly starting to feel like I should just stop trying. He calls me his wife and yet I feel like I'm only there because he can't let me go. He says he's there. He's says he loves me. But I don't feel it. I don't feel like He loves me. That hurts. A lot.

Maybe I'm being paranoid. Maybe nothing I feel is right. But Ive felt like this before. And every time I have the end was near. I'm not the easiest person to love. I don't make anything easy. I'm hyper and random and difficult and independent. I'm me at all costs. And with the issues I've been having, I need someone to lean on. I hate to say it, but I don't have that right now. I don't.

"All I want to do is be mended by you

I don't want to be confused, I just want to find you

All I want to kill is that which keeps me ill

Underwhelmed and unfulfilled"

  -"I used to have a heart"- Say Anything