Coming Undone

Very few things are amusing me today. I'm so very irritated. My families a bunch nosey motherfuckers. I swear to God I wanna start slapping people. I'm tired of having all these doubts put in my head when all I wanna do is be happy. Am I asking too much?  

I very well could be. Maybe happiness isn't meant for me. Maybe I'm supposed to live out this inane exisistance on my own. Going by all the shit Ive been through, it's a very good possibility. Ive survived so much, found the guy that I literally feel like I'm supposed to be with and I just can't seem to get it right. 

I'm really good at fucking things up. I am the perpetual fuck up.  And I know one of these days, my neurotic tendencies are going to get the better of me and I'm going to do something I'm going to regret for the rest of my life. Somethings going to set me totally off and I'm going to disappear again.Running's what I do best. 

I feel like I'm in an emotional landslide. Being buried by doubts that arent necessarily mine. And I know he's getting it on his end too. And thats taking a toll on me too. I know hes got people in his ear basically telling him Im prolly fucking with him. And thats not the case. I truly do love him. My lifes just horrendously complicated. Always has been, prolly always will be. 

I start another radiation cycle on Wednesday. I fucking hate radiation. Im so weak and tired afterward. And the pain is like nothing Ive ever felt before. It feels like there something tearing me apart for me the inside. Ripping at my seams. I hide it the best I can, hoping no one notices when I wince or groan. I have to be strong. I have to hold myself together.  If I dont, no one will.

'Face down in the dirt she said "This doesn't hurt."She said "I've finally had enough."'

 --"Face Down"- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus