It's all in your hands...

I was so happy yesterday.  I really was, but today, I can't seem to quit crying. It's funny what thoughts cross your mind when youre alone, in a hospital bed, poison dripping into your veins. It makes you realize just how very alone you are.  

I dont think I can do this anymore. I dont think I carry on like this. The one person I need more than anything Im lucky if I get to talk to for more than an hour day. And thats somehow my fault. Everything is somehow my fault. 

I know Im bouncing around alot. I can't think straight. My thoughts are jumbled, but I suppose vodka and vallium will do that to a person. I dont have the strength to carry on like this anymore. I can't do it alone. And as much as he tries to tell me Im not alone. To talk to him. I can't hes not there to talk too, but I guess he can't really be either.

Ive been brought to my knees. Im begging for death. I don't like Ive become. I hate it. I hate that Im so weak. I hate that I can't handle this myself. Im done. I feel like Im dying. I might as well help it along.

"I move too slove and I think too fast.

The first rainbow I see will be my last"

-- I cant remember the song title-- Say Anything